saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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