I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
