I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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