Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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