i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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