So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
