we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
