i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
