I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
