Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize