I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
