my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize