I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
