How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So squirting runs in the family.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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