We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
