Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
