I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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