How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
