woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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