lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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