You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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