I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
