I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found the puke drawer
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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