When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
