I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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