Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
