the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
