Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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