In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
