I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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