Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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