I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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