I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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