Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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