Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
