4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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