I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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