my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
These tits shall not be calmed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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