Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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