Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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