meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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