ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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