Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
