I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
