just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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