Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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