I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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