Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
