Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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