I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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