dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He shit in the fireplace
Please don't give away my fajitas
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize