He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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