Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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