eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
