Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
