we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
