ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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