I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
