I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
