Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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