he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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