my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
