Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
