Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
