Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
